


Don't Feel. Conceal. Pretend.

by katychan666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Magnus finds out about the deal, Making Up, Spoilers for 3x19, Working things out, happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 13:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Magnus finds out about the deal between Asmodeus and Alec, so he goes and confronts Alexander about it.Leave, I’ve broken up with you, so please-”“Just tell me that you don’t love me and I’m going,” whispered Magnus, Alec slowly looking up, gritting his teeth. He couldn’t say it, he couldn’t. After everything, he couldn’t…





	Don't Feel. Conceal. Pretend.

Sitting in his office, Alec was staring blankly in front of himself, hidden away from the rest of the world. Alec knew that he was needed outside, he needed to help Jace and the others. To stop Jonathan and to get Clary back. Yes, he needed to do all of that, duties called, but at the time, he just needed some time for himself. People asked him how he was and it was always the same answer…  _ I’m okay.  _ But Alec wasn’t okay, he hadn’t been since that evening that he broke things off with Magnus. He left a piece of himself in that antique shop after he walked away and he was trying his best not to think about it. He was distracting himself by throwing himself in piles and piles of work, but at the end of the day, nothing could erase the ache in his heart. Nothing could fill in the hole that was growing and expanding rapidly. 

 

But it was for the best. What he did… the things he said… to Magnus… It all killed him and he could remember each every word, hating himself for he awful things that he said. He didn’t mean any of that, of course he didn’t. But he needed to say them if he wanted Magnus to believe in his actions. It killed him to think that just a week before, he thought that they would be engaged now. That they would be happy, but not… not this. Alec took in a deep breath and looked around his office, which was a mess. Behind him, there was a broken mirror that he ended up knocking on the floor and on the other side of the office, there was a broken chair that he threw against the wall before. 

 

Alec swallowed hard as he looked down onto his hands. His nails bitten to the point of bleeding, his knuckles bleeding as well… he tried anything, everything that would ease the pain in his heart, but nothing helped. Alec bowed his head down and took in a deep breath as he took out his Stele, wanting to erase the pain away, but in the end, he just gave up, because what was the point? He rather had his hands hurting and focus on something else than the pain in his heart, which was just too much for him to handle. 

 

_ Conceal, don’t feel,  _ was like his personal mantra now and he swallowed back his tears, looking up at the ceiling. The face that Magnus made before he walked away still broke him and he bit down onto his lower lip hard as he didn’t want to break down. He couldn’t, not now. He was needed out there, people were counting on him. He needed to be the Head of the Institute. His personal problems could wait for the time being. Alec shook his head and then just hid his face into his palms, letting out a little sniffle, which grew as did the pain in his heart.

 

At least Magnus was going to be happy now. He was going to get his magic back and his life could go back to normal. Alec gritted his teeth. Did Magnus hate him now? That was kind of the goal of everything that he said. He wanted Magnus to resent him so much. It would make it easier for him to move on from him. And then he’d find someone else, he’d be happy again and Alec… well, he was going to be just fine. He was going to do what he always did;  _ don’t feel. Pretend. Conceal.  _ There was a rune for that too, Alec was a regular user of it now, because he needed to get his emotions under control. However, with the use of it, things didn’t really change. As the rune wore off, everything came back, emotions even stronger and Alec....

 

There was a knock at the door and Alec quickly straightened himself up, puffing his cheeks as he quickly wiped away his tears, straightened his clothes and he then cleared his throat. All that Alec wanted was to be left alone, but luck wasn’t on his side. Alec tried his best to make himself look presentable, his eyes still puffy and red from crying, but he couldn’t do anything about that. He’d just keep looking away. Alec quickly opened up one of the reports laying on his desk and pretended that he was reading.

 

“Come in,” said Alec, his voice giving it away how broken he was.

 

Whoever it was took their time by coming in. The door slowly opened and Alec didn’t dare to look up, his fingers gripping the report as he bit down onto his lower lip. It was when the door closed that he finally allowed himself to breathe and he slowly gazed up from the report, placing it down, only to see  _ Magnus _ standing in there with him in the office and Alec dropped what he had been holding, all of the colour draining from his face and he swallowed thickly as his heart stopped beating for a time being and he didn’t dare to say or do anything. Not even breathe. What was going on? Why was Magnus.

 

“M-Magnus?” whispered Alec as if he was trying to make sure that what he was seeing was true and not just a figure of his imagination. 

 

It indeed was Magnus, standing by the door as he didn’t dare to go closer. He made a step closer to Alec and then he placed his hands in front of himself, Alec feelings tears welling up in his eyes as there was only silence heard in between them. Magnus looked around the room… there were signs of destructions everywhere, eyes wide when he saw the mirror shattered on the floor and his eyes slowly fell down onto Alexander, who was trying his best to keep himself together, grasping on every bit in himself not to crumble apart in front of Magnus. 

 

“Alexander,” whispered Magnus and Alec felt burning heat in his throat. The way that Magnus said his name… it made his heart break.

 

“Why are you here?” asked Alec, wanting to get away from the current situation. 

 

Magnus took in a deep breath, then opened his mouth, but nothing came out of his mouth. Magnus chewed on his lower lip and he finally dared to go closer to Alec. He had figured it out, pieces finally fell in places after his father showed up in New York and returned him back his magic. It all fit; Alec going to  _ meet _ someone the last week, but wouldn’t tell him who, Alec acting so out of his character and then his father popping out of nowhere. Magnus had figured it out; Alec had gone to meet up with Asmodeus, asking him for Magnus’ magic. His father had to offer their relationship as a bargaining chip and Alec took the bait. The things that Alexander said to him couldn’t be true and this only proved his suspicions. He knew his father didn’t just give him his magic out of the goodness of his heart. 

 

“I’ve figured it out, Alexander,” whispered Magnus slowly and Alec looked up at him.

 

“F-figured what?”

 

“Why my father returned back my magic,” said Magnus and Alec looked up. So, Asmodeus held the end of his deal. Good. Magnus had his magic back and Alec huffed, but then gasped. Did that make things easier now that he knew that? No, no it didn’t. Not really. Magnus still hated him and Alec- “This is why you broke up with me, isn’t it?” asked Magnus and Alec looked away. “You’ve met with my dad and he offered to return my magic if you broke up with me,” said Magnus and Alec felt tightness in his chest, but he just shrugged it off.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Alec, his vision blurry and he kept looking away, because he couldn’t look at Magnus. If he would, he’d end up telling Magnus the truth and then the deal would be over. What if Asmodeus took Magnus’ magic back? Or even worse, what if he hurt him?! Alec would never be able to forgive himself and-

 

Magnus’ heart fell to the pit of his stomach and he made another step to Alec, who was now looking away and was fighting back his tears, trying his best not to break down. “So,” whispered Magnus, his heart breaking again. “What… what you said it-it’s true?” asked Magnus, because he couldn’t believe it. He was right, he had to be right. Alec couldn’t just… Magnus huffed and then shook his head. “It’s true that you don’t love me anymore then, Alexander?” asked Magnus as he was in a desperate need of confirmation of Alec’s love. He couldn’t… he had to be right. Alec had to make that deal with his father! 

 

In the moment of his weakness, he actually believed his father at first.He allowed himself to completely break down in front of him, but after he calmed down and started thinking about it more rationally, it just didn’t make sense. Alec saying all of that, Asmodeus just happening to show up. Magnus was desperate to show his father that Alexander hadn’t given up on him. 

 

Alec couldn’t reply to that. He was quiet all the time, tears finally overflowing and they were streaming down his cheeks, but he kept them hidden away from Magnus as he was looking down. But he wasn’t fooling anyone as Magnus made his way to him and he then went down onto his knees, looking up as he sat on top of his heels and saw Alec’s face twisted in pain, sobbing quietly and when Alec saw Magnus next to him, he covered his face with his hands, Magnus’ eyes widening in horror when he saw them. 

 

“Alexander, you’ve hurt-”

 

“Don’t touch me,” whispered Alec in between his sobs and Magnus withdrew his hand, but he wasn’t going anywhere. “P-please go, Magnus, just… go, I’m begging you, because I-I can’t, please-”

 

“Alexander,” whispered Magnus again and Alec’s sobs were getting louder. 

 

“Leave, I’ve broken up with you, so please-”

 

“Just tell me that you don’t love me any I’m going,” whispered Magnus, Alec slowly looking up, gritting his teeth. He couldn’t say it, he couldn’t. After everything, he couldn’t… Alec was shaking, sobbing, but he couldn’t muster to say those words. He couldn’t and Magnus breathed out. He knew it, he knew. “So I was right, you’ve made that deal with my father,” said Magnus and Alec nodded in the end. “How dare you?!” then snapped Magnus, because he was angry. 

 

“You got your magic back, no?” asked Alec and then hiccuped, wiping his tears. “You were miserable, I had to-”

 

“And not allow me to choose for myself,” accused him Magnus and Alec’s face twisted in pain again. Magnus hated him now. It was a given, Alec hiccuping again. “What were you thinking, you stupid Nephilim?”

 

“You were miserable without your magic, so I thought-”

 

“That I’d be happier without you?!” snapped Magnus, who was also on the verge of crying. He was so mad, so mad with Alexander. “Do you know what I’ve almost done just now?” asked Magnus and his lower lip was shaking. “I went to brother Zachariah and asked...” said Magnus and his voice trailed off. “I begged him to,” he said and his voice was breaking again. “I wanted him to wipe you out of my memories,” said Magnus and Alec felt chills running up his spine.  _ So, he wasn’t even worth remembering.  _ “Then-then, I almost did it myself, but… I couldn’t-couldn’t, Alexander...”

 

“So I’m not worth remembering,” whispered Alec and hid his face into his palms and sobbed loudly.

 

“No, you idiot,” said Magnus. “It was  _ breaking _ me… not even magic helped. Magic was worthless if it meant not having you, Alexander,” whispered Magnus and leaned up to Alec, who was sobbing and he gently touched his knuckles. “God, look what you’ve done to yourself,” whispered Magnus and kissed Alec’s knuckle, gently blowing and magic healed the wounds on Alec’s hands, who was still sobbing and he slowly brought his hands down, his eyes pools of tears as Magnus was still kneeling in front of him and Alec was shaking, sobbing. 

 

“D-do you hate me now?”

 

“Hate… why...”

 

“What I said...”

 

“Alec-”

 

“Because I didn’t mean it,” sobbed Alec and his heart was breaking again. He hurt Magnus so much, to the point that he wanted to forget him for good. It was his fault  _ again  _ and- “I’m so sorry, I’m… I love you-”

 

Magnus broke down as well as he leaned up and hugged Alec, clutching onto him with everything that he had. Alec heard Magnus’ little sniffles when he wrapped his arms around him and he placed a kiss against his temples, but then felt Magnus’ hand pulling him in and he kissed him desperately. “I love you too,” whispered Magnus against his lips. “I’m still so mad at you, Alexander, but-”

 

“I’m sorry-”

 

“I know why you did what you did. I’d-I’d do the same if it meant saving you, so I understand,” said Magnus and kissed Alec again. “I’ll just need some time to-”

 

“Whatever you need, Magnus, I-”

 

“For now, just kiss me,” whispered Magnus against his lips and Alec nodded, pulling him in again and he crushed their lips together, then standing up and he pulled Magnus up, giving him a proper hug. Compared to hugging his father before, this didn’t feel wrong to Magnus and his heart was shaking when he felt how hard Alec was sobbing into his ear. It was no secret how much Alexander was hurting as well and he just closed his eyes. “It’ll be okay.”

 

“We’re not broken up anymore?” sniffled Alec and Magnus managed to crack up. 

 

“Of course not,” whispered Magnus. “Relationships take effort, remember?” whispered Magnus and Alec nodded, hugging Magnus again. And this time, neither of them walked away. They were in Alec’s office for hours to come, talking things out and coming up with a plan how to capture Asmodeus and send him back to Edom for good. 

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment if you liked it. Thank you

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Much Needed Fix-it for Aku Cinta Kamu](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572836) by [onefootintheboilinghotlava](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onefootintheboilinghotlava/pseuds/onefootintheboilinghotlava)




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